Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
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I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree