Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
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I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Bless you
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.