*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
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My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy