[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
You Might Also Like
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Get in loser we’re going crying
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Yeah. This was me today.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
want me to check your oil?