I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
You Might Also Like
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …