How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
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[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
LOOOOOOL