Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
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I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Just had my nails done!
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?