911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
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Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
The Joker was right
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.