To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
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The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Festive toon…
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.