Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
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So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE