I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
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*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Your honor these allegations are
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.