Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
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Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Lmfao
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
me when i see my girls butt
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
“I FIXED IT!”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”