the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
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When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
You deplete me
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.