getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
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Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.