I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
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coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
selfie game
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”