Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.