If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
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#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February