I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
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Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!