”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
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once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason