I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.