Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
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If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Holy shit he’s back
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.