I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
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*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
man: wait
time: no
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?