[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
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It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”