If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
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Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
checking out some reviews of my local library
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent