Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
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[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …