im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
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i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
repaired
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
termite twitter scares me
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july