My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
You Might Also Like
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Hello, my name is Pierre.