Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*