Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
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Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.