30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
You Might Also Like
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Sign at work today
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.