Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
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Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible