Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
You Might Also Like
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I’m sure it’s fine.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[eats all your cotton candy]
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.