If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
any last words?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
how to have fun when you’re poor
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.