Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
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He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Nice try Hitler
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes