Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
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I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*