My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
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Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Dance like you’re not the father
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Thinking about Jeff
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig