I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
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running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.