*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
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There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Stop making fast and furious movies.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’