Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I hope google does well on my son’s test
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
If only
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*