This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations