Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
You Might Also Like
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains