FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
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michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
This kid is going places
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Just me?