My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
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[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*