cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
These aliens are taking forever.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.