My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
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Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.