The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
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The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage