You Might Also Like
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
it was a valiant fight
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away