Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
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“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.