cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
You Might Also Like
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.