Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
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I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.